TDSS Finale
Roz is shown in the stadium, in the exact same spot as she was at the end of the previous episode. “Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown! I told our lucky final three that our finale was booked in Revolution City, causing a maaad scramble to this stadium. Chelsey ran into a bit of trouble when she took a bus and then took a snooze on the bus, leading her to a weird lake somewhere in the countryside where she met Chappy’s colleague, Big Johnson! The two had quite the intimate bonding experience, but it was interrupted when a vulture crashed into the boat and sent them flying! Wow, that’s a rare sentence. Also, Wolfgang reunited with his bae Helga, who helped him drive all the way to the finale, and after a nice little interlude with the vulture I just mentioned, Flora sacrificed herself to let Wolfgang into the finale! What a genuinely nice girlie, it gets me a bit teary. Awww, man. Anyway, who’s gonna win? We are gonna find out the answer to that question right here, right now on the finale of… Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” “...So what do we do now?” asks Wolfgang. Chelsey is shown in the confessional. “Oh my god! I’m in the finale! I mean, I never doubted that I would be here in the first place, because obviously this season was created solely for me to win. I mean, I just naturally attract viewers with my boatloads of charisma and charm. But still, I’m glad Wolfie is here, at least! He’ll put up a decent fight.” Wolfgang is then shown in the confessional. “Well, here I am, and I’m honestly not sure how I even got here considering I can’t think of a single thing I did in this game other than yell at Puck and make like two friends. If that’s the ‘underdog story’ they’re yearning for in the editing room, then I gotta say they’ll be sorely disappointed. But I’ve gotten this far, why not try my hardest for this last part?” Chelsey says in the confessional, “I cannot wait to get my million dollar prize! I seriously have no idea what I’m gonna spend it on, maybe a cute new car? Or some clothes? Wait, maybe I’ll just invest all of it so I become as rich as Layla in a year or two! Now THAT’S a good idea. Yay me!” Wolfgang says in the confessional, “You know, I kinda feel awful about what Flora did. I mean, she did it by herself and it’s not like I pressured her or anything, but… seriously? Did I really make that much of an impact on the girl? Honestly, thanks to that I plan on keeping touch with her for life. Thank god for Flora, otherwise I’d be toast.” Chelsey says in the confessional, “Oh, and one more thing: I am soooo glad that Flora is finally gone. Oh my gosh, now that it’s only me and Wolfie left, there’s no way I’ll lose the popularity polls! Wait, maybe the finale is just a huge popularity contest? That would be so good, but there’s no way. The universe doesn’t like me THAT much. At least, I think.” Wolfgang says in the confessional, “I’m really just wondering what kind of tricks Roz has up her sleeve. There’s no way this is just gonna be a straightforward race, it’s definitely gonna be lethal. I’ve lived a fairly decent life in my 18 years of being on this earth, so if this is it, at least I’ll go out gently.” “Okay, so here’s the first item in our itinerary!” announces Roz. “Your families have recorded messages for you two, isn’t that just so heartwarming?” Chef appears, wheeling out a large flat-screen TV. “You guys’ families talk too much. I spent two days editing this crap,” he grumbles. “Cheffy, you’re lucky that we’re even paying you at this point with our budget issues,” snaps Roz. “Anyway! Wolfgang, you’re up first. This is a message from…” She pulls out a note card. “Your parents and siblings. Okey-doke!” Chef presses a remote to turn on the TV, and a scene of a few people sitting in a living room is revealed. “Oh god…” says Wolfgang. “Wolfgang!” says a portly, middle-aged man with an impressive mustache and a thick German accent. “We are hoping that you have accumulated the winnings!” “Do you even listen, Klaus? He has not won yet! This is for the finale! Moron!” says a woman in a frilly pink dress that matches her frilly pink hair, presumably Wolfgang’s mother. “Come on, guys, shouldn’t we be complimenting Wolfie?” says Wolfgang’s brother Kyle, who then turns to the camera. “Alpha! You’re doing just as great as you were when I visited, and I just know you’ll keep that up!” “I still can’t believe that they picked you to appear instead of me,” says Wolfgang’s sister Whitney, a tall, imposing-looking woman in her early 20s with thick dyed gray hair and a floral print tank top. “Something about me not being TV-friendly enough? Screw that. Snarl.” “Oh, do not listen to them,” says Wolfgang’s mom. “We miss you dearly, my son! The house just hasn’t been the same without you up in your room cursing loudly at your computer screen!” “Ah yes, I have gotten so much more sleep without those infernal video game sounds keeping me up all night,” says Wolfgang’s dad, and his wife glares at him. “Uh…” says Kyle. “Anyway, my dude, you’re totally gonna win, and I support that entirely! Good luck!” “And don’t forget to split your prize money equally with your lovely sister!” says Whitney, before the tape turns to static. “Lovely…” says Nic wistfully from the audience. “That is entirely correct.” “Calm down, sonny boy,” says Arthur. “She is probably three times your height.” Wolfgang is staring at the TV screen. “Honestly, that was a waste of a couple minutes, but you know, that was probably the nicest thing my mom has ever said to me.” “Aw, you’re not BFFsies with your mom? Darn shame,” says Chelsey. “Hey Chef, speaking of that, can you roll my clip? I bet it’s gonna be so cute!” “Uh, whatever you say,” says Chef, pressing another button on the remote to reveal a very photogenic family in what looks like a massive suburban home. “Hello, sweetie!” says Chelsey’s mother, who looks exactly like her only older and even tanner. “We just can’t wait to see you again! We don’t mind that you’re last on the popularity polls, because you’re #1 in our heart.” “Yes, Daddy’s going to take you on a nice trip to the Bahamas once you win! With your prize money, of course,” says Chelsey’s dad, a typical businessman type in a collared shirt and tie. “Jim, I thought I said I was going to take her to Fiji first! You can’t just steal my spot!” says Chelsey’s mom. “Oh, well, she’s always liked me a little more. Just look at this!” says Chelsey’s dad, holding up a framed picture of him with a preteen Chelsey in a pink dress, with the caption “Daddy Daughter Dance 2007.” “Um, can we hurry this up?” says Chelsey’s sister Allison, briefly looking up from her phone. “I have a date to go on.” “Huhuhuh,” laughs a lanky boy in lacrosse gear, likely Chelsey’s brother. “How long are you gonna last with this guy? Can you beat your previous record of 48 hours?” “Shut UP, Dylan!” snaps Allison. “At least I’ve had a bae!” “Do I look like I give a crap?” says Dylan. “Ganking scrubs in Call of Battle 6 is all I have time for these days.” Chelsey’s dad clears his throat loudly. “Guys, shouldn’t we say something about how we’re all rooting for her to win?” “Uh, I was rooting for Flora,” says Allison quietly. Chelsey’s mom flies into a rage. “Allison! You canNOT say those types of things on tape! Okay, that’s it, no phone for a month. Hand it over.” “But mooooom, I--” protests Allison, before the family starts arguing and the tape turns to static. Flora is shown in the audience, right next to MacKenzie and Veronica. “Wow, the compliments just keep coming, huh?” she giggles nervously. “Girl, I’d watch out for Chelsey if I were you. Here, use my sweatshirt as a human shield,” says Veronica, giving Flora a wadded-up sweatshirt. “Um, that was a complete and total waste of my time,” says Chelsey to Wolfgang and Roz. “My mom has always been my favorite anyway! Love you, B!” She blows a kiss to the camera. Layla clears her throat from the audience. “Okay, Roz, um, this is nice and all, but why are there so many empty sets of bleachers over there? Are the paparazzi coming? If so, I gotta be on my A-game.” “Oooh, I’m glad you asked! Guys, I’m happy to say that the losers from this season aren’t the only former contestants who will be watching you!” says Roz. “Wait… what?!” Wolfgang and Chelsey say simultaneously. “Yep!” says Roz cheerfully, right as a large bus pulls up right next to the stadium. “Wow, that was convenient timing. Please welcome former Total Drama School and Total Drama: Tiki Jungle contestants - Carson, Sharissa, Amanda, Meg, Kurt, Emilee, Ricky, Manty, and Octavia!” As Roz announces, the former contestants, all in a line, appear from the bus doors and gradually fill up the bleachers. The screen turns to black, then a light turns on, revealing Amanda sitting in the confessional. She looks essentially the same as she did during her stint in Tiki Jungle, except her hair is longer and tied into a ponytail. “Ugh, I can’t believe I didn’t get asked back for this season. I guess Chelsey has all but stolen my role? You know, that’s alright with me, since I’ve been doing just fine. I’m in school to become a lawyer! Yep, I’m going to boss people around… for a LIVING. I love it.” She flashes a large, glamorous grin. Meg, who is wearing track gear as usual, is the next to show up in the confessional. “Wow, it’s great to be back! Cross country nationals have taken up most of my time recently, but it was good to see Gary on the show again, even if he was only there for like four episodes. The guy still texts me memes every so often… Usually I ignore them, but I guess they can be funny. Sometimes.” Ricky is next, sleeping in the confessional and snoring loudly. He noticeably has gained a bit more weight, and now has a large, unkempt beard. “YA-HOOIE! Wait, why am I here? I competed in this thing like twenty years ago. I forget the host’s name. What was it? Chuck? ‘Ey, listen here - I deserved to win those million bucks, Chuck,” he says after suddenly waking up, pointing a finger to the camera. Carson is shown in the confessional, basically looking the exact same. “I don’t care who wins this season. Just know that I was the original winner of this series, and by default, the coolest…” He sighs. “Man, I wish my money didn’t get eaten. And now I’m still living with mom and taking online classes from the community college… Being funny doesn’t get you anywhere these days, I’ll tell ya.” The camera zooms back to Roz and the others, as a second, even larger bus appears right where the first one left. “And now, please welcome former Total Drama Revolution contestants…” says Roz. “Tasia, Elle, Donny, Cammy, Vincent, Antoine, Abbey, Mattie, Toad, Gustavo, Kim, Dolph, Northworth, and Lizza!” The horde of former TDRev contestants fills up the set of bleachers right next to the School and Tiki Jungle contestants. Elle is shown in the confessional, slightly more tanned and wearing a blue tanktop. She says, “Oh my heck, I can’t believe I’m back AND my favorite guidette, Chelsey, is in the finals! Chelsey, I am SO proud of you, gurl, and so is Snooki. Finish what I started, and just know that after this, you’re gonna be taking me on an all-expenses-paid trip to Siesta Key with your prize money.” She smiles widely. Northworth is next in the confessional, just as short and angry-looking as always. “These dunderheads should consider it a privilege that I’m even in their presence today. I wanna see blood, and I also wanna see Chelsey win, ‘cause she’s sexy. And maybe if she wins, I can pants Toad again. Har har har!!” Dolph is then shown in the confessional, sporting an even more peculiar appearance - his hair is now down to his waist, he has a full beard, and he is wearing a tie-dye shirt. He says, “Salutations, everyone! I must say that it feels just peachy keen to have my restraining order lifted and to be able to freely roam around Total Drama-land. And I do have some tricks up my sleeve that I’d just love to pull on the final two! Though it might be hard, considering…” He lifts his hands up, revealing to be wearing handcuffs. “Stupid security.” Tasia is the last one to be shown, seemingly passed out and leaning against the wall. She wakes up, lets out an extremely loud yawn, and says, “Whaaaat’s goin’ on, maaaaan? Last thing I remember was eating a Cheeeeeeeto. And then I fell asleep, for like, two secondssss, and now I’m here? Whuuuuh? I don’t wanna be back in Revolution City, maaaan, it’s scaaaary.” She passes out again. Roz is shown once again, as the second bus leaves and is replaced with a third bus, which is the biggest one yet. “And finally, the former Total Drama Tokyo contestants! My FRIENDS! Please welcome Ari, Kai, Julian, Cas-- oh, wait, she’s already here, Isabel, Vivienne, Horatio, Delia, Thomas, Neal, Yuri, Shawn, Anderson, Gail, and Bennett!” The Tokyo contestants, of which there are remarkably few, exit the bus and sit down in the remaining seats. Ari is shown in the confessional, wearing a tight black T-shirt featuring a basket of fruit with “La Dolce Vita” written in cursive above it. “Hey, it’s really cool to be back… You know, I’m still bummed that Roz didn’t want me to host this season with her, but looking at that awkward conversation she had with Tolkien, I’m kind of glad I wasn’t there to see any of that. Maybe I should just go talk to the guy, comfort him a bit, get him to delete that awful dating app… Yeah, that might be a good idea.” Julian is next in the confessional, wearing a beanie which covers his massive afro. “Yo, I’m really intrigued about this whole season. I may or may not have stopped watching after Estrella got out, so this is all news to me! I also came here to advertise my new material.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out tons of CDs with graphic images on the cover. “It’s my band Alien Earache’s new EP, and it’s super rad. Title track is called ‘I Yearn For The Girl With The Dark Black Locks,’ and it’s an eight-minute power ballad that will blow your pants off. Bet you $100 you can’t guess who it’s about.” An extremely irritated-looking Gail is next up in the confessional, and she says, “THANK GOD that wretched Flora didn’t get to the end! The fuzz told me that they wouldn’t even let me into the finale if she was competing in it, due to ‘overwhelming security risks.’ But I’m here, and there’s nothing they can do about it! And I’m sooo proud of my pet vulture, too!” She cackles evilly. Kai, decked out in an even more flamboyant magician’s outfit than usual, is the last one to speak. “It’s highly improbable that Chelsey wins this final challenge. See, she’s just not that likable, and the good guys always win in the end. Wait, who am I kidding? Freaking LAYLA won my season. I try to forget about that.” He smacks his forehead. “It’s good to see you all here!” says Roz enthusiastically, as the contestants fill into the stands and sit by their friends. A panting Smoothie Guy then trudges up to Roz and collapses onto the ground. “AUGH!” he yells. “I had to drive… every single one… of those buses… I don’t get paid nearly enough…” Roz looks at Smoothie Guy, and continues talking without acknowledging him. “Now, Wolfgang, Chelsey, normally we’d ask the losers who they’re rooting for to win, but this time’s gonna be a little different.” “Why? Because I’d be the unanimous favorite? Oh, sorry, Wolfie,” says Chelsey. “Um, nope!” says Roz. “For your final challenge… there will BE no challenge. Instead, the losers will be VOTING for a winner!” “Aw, seriously?!” says Wolfgang. “Oh god,” says Chelsey, beginning to look frantic. “Wolfgang. They hate both of us. How are they going to pick between us? Are they just gonna give the million dollars to Flora or something?” “Well, here’s the deal,” says Roz. “Every contestant who made the merge—so Flora, Trey, Arthur, Julia, Nic, Layla, Gary, Veronica, and Estrella—can ask you guys a question! Now, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a question. Could be a nacho-eating contest. Just… something that’ll help them determine who to vote for. After the questions, you two can make your final pleas and whatev, and then we’ll be announcing the WINNER! Sound like a plan?” Wolfgang and Chelsey both mutter in agreement, and nod their heads. “Alrighty! Then we’ll just get sta--” begins Roz, before she is interrupted by another, much smaller, but much more intimidating-looking bus arriving on the scene and leaving behind an extremely thick cloud of smoke. A single figure walks out of the bus, and as they come into view, they reveal themselves… “Not so fast,” says Chris McLean, as everyone gasps. “Nice job hosting the season, Roz. You managed to keep these angsty teens all under control! But I have to say, this finale is looking laaame right now. Where’s the passion? The heartbreak? The DRAMA? We need to go out with a BANG.” “B-b-but Chris, our budget is completely out! Gone! I spent the last of it on a snack this morning!” says Roz. “Well, well, well, Roz, I’m sorry to say this, but you’re WRONG!” says Chris, pulling out a remote from his back pocket. “Uh… Chris, didn’t I say NOT t’ break out the heavy artillery?” says Chef, looking very nervous. “Chef, this is a special circumstance. It HAS to happen,” says Chris. After a variety of shocked looks from the audience, Chef, and Roz herself, Chris presses the button. A massive hole appears in the center of the stadium, and slowly a tall, imposing tower with many floors rises up from the ground, until its spire reaches to well above the top of the stadium. “Now we’re talking, huh?” says Chris, admiring his creation. “Now, to all you losers who Roz said were gonna vote, you guys are actually gonna go and do your challenges in there! The first contestant to get past all the obstacles and get to the top of the tower wins one million dollars.” Roz’s face turns frantic, a rare sight. “But Chris! I’M the host of this season! C’mon, you gave me a consolation prize, and I’ve had so much fun that you can’t just snatch my title away like that!” “Y’know, Roz, I understand what you’re saying. Must be tough, huh? Well, I’ll let you be in charge of all the special effects. We need to make this intense. Live music, flashing lights, all that jazz. Get what I’m saying?” says Chris. “Uh…” says Roz. “Sure, I guess.” Five minutes later, Julian and a few other ex-contestants - Antoine and Shawn on backing vocals, Horatio on sax, and Manty on drums - are shown setting up a ragtag concert off to the side of the stadium. “Okay, is this thing on?” says Julian, tapping the microphone. “Good. Roz, my… er, band and I are about to perform our new hit single!” “It’s gonna blow your pants off so quickly, you’d think there were squirrels in ‘em,” says Antoine. “Is this pedal safe to touch with my shoes?” asks Manty, examining the drum pedal with his new and improved pair of neon sneakers. “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” says Julian. “One! Two! One, two, three! I yeeeeearn for the giiiirl with the dark black looooocks… She’s so dang hot, she blows off my sooooocks…” He continues to sing and the band continues to play somewhat awfully, while Estrella watches on with a look of horror. “You know, I can’t help but feel like you got the shorter end of the stick when it comes to relationships,” Helga says to Estrella before she and the other jury members walk into the tower. “Gee, really?” Estrella retorts. “And we’re not dating, thank you very much.” She walks away. “Ugh, I wish I didn’t even have to go into this tower…” mutters Trey under his breath. “I’d much rather take a nap.” Julia, who is right behind him, scoffs. “Aw, quit your yapping. Maybe you can use the money you tried to steal from me to buy an expensive new bed. Oh wait, just kidding!” She laughs loudly. “Wow, Julia, that was a very quality roast,” says Arthur. “I am impressed. I didn’t know you had that in you.” As the nine contestants disappear into the tower, Roz looks back at Wolfgang and Chelsey. “Guys, I really am sorry, I wish I didn’t have to do this,” she says. “Um, you don’t? Can’t you just file a lawsuit against Chris or something? I feel like he should’ve been arrested over 10 times by now anyway,” says Wolfgang. “Yeah, but…” whispers Roz. “I’m broke. Remember? Anyway, there’s ONE MORE thing we gotta get to before you start!” “Ooooh, do we get to pick out helpers?!” asks Chelsey. “Because if so, I am so ready.” “Ding ding ding!” says Roz. “You each get your pick from literally any of these people here,” she motions to the peanut gallery, “and you get two of ‘em! Choose wisely!” Chris McLean suddenly interjects, once again. “What do you mean, they get their pick?! Y’know, if that happened, Wolfgang would just pick Flora, Chelsey would grab Elle, and nothing interesting would come out of that. Here, let me use the random number generator on my phone!” He pulls out his phone and begins frantically typing, while Wolfgang and Chelsey look on. Wolfgang says in the confessional, “Okay, now anyone with half a brain can see that I’m obviously going to get Puck. And… whatever. I’ve accepted my fate. I won’t try to physically abuse him this time, not because I’m a changed man, but because I need that million dollars. That’s the ONLY reason, I swear.” “Okay, Wolfgang!” says Chris. “Your two helpers will be… Puck and Casey!” “Whoo, I didn’t see that one coming,” says Wolfgang as Puck and Casey make their way down from the bleachers, still in their respective “Team Wolfie” and “Team Chelsey” outfits. “UGH!” yells Casey. “You’re the absolute worst, Chris! I wanted Chelsey!” Chelsey runs over to Chris and whispers in his ear, “Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I owe you one.” “Now Chelsey, on the other hand…” says Chris. “You get Total Drama Revolution veterans Elle and Donny!” Chelsey says in the confessional, “Donny?! I haven’t spoken to that guy for at least a year… I was kinda checking him out a few minutes ago, and his new haircut is REALLY cute. But what am I saying? He’s not popular in the slightest. I mean, he probably is, but not my kind of popular. Ugh. At least his blind devotion to me will probably ensure me the win.” Elle and Donny walk out from the stadium. “Hey gurl,” says Elle. “Are you ready to rock the party?” Ignoring Elle, Chelsey moves to Donny. “Uh… hi, Donny! You’re looking a bit taller! And somewhat cuter, too!” she says. “You’ve always been pretty blunt, huh?” asks Donny, who is visibly blushing. “Nice to see you, though.” Elle says in the confessional, “She picks an incredibly average boy with a mediocre personality over ME? Rude.” “Wolfie, are you ready for us to bash ‘n’ brawl our way through the tower? I know I am, buddy!” says Puck, with his arm around Wolfgang. “And remember, I gotta get at least 25% of your winnings!” “Yeah, about that--” starts Wolfgang. “Haw haw haw! I’m just kiddin’!” says Puck. “Your friendship is really the only prize I need.” The emotional reunion is interrupted by Chris, who blows a whistle extremely loudly causing everyone to go silent. “OKAY! It looks like our contestants are ready for you, so it’s time! Ready? Set… Go!” Wolfgang and Chelsey, accompanied by their helpers, rush into the tower through two different doors. ---- Wolfgang, Puck, and Casey enter into the first room, which consists of Arthur and Julia sitting at a table. “Okay, guys, this’ll be an easy one,” says Wolfgang, panting. “Nice. What do you got for us? Can you make sure it’s nothing too disgusting?” “Ah, yes,” says Arthur. “Now, for my part of the challenge, you must put your crafting skills to the test! In the trunk behind me is materials to make your own Vance. Now, I do not know where THE Vance is right now, so you must use your memory. You have five minutes. If your Vance is satisfactory, you must move onto Julia.” “I swear I didn’t approve of this,” grumbles Julia. “Anyway, mine is a bit simple. You gotta hit me with the full names of all five--” “Four,” whispers Arthur. “UGH! Don’t remind me!” yells Julia. “All four members of One Erection. Then you twerps can pass. Alright?” “Oh man, I’m a pretty big One Erection stan, I can totally do this!” says Puck. After Wolfgang and Casey glance at him, he says, “What? They’ve got some pretty rockin’ tunes.” Wolfgang rubs his chin. “Okay, I know how to do this. Puck, um, you just do the One Erection crap, I’ll make the Vance, Casey… I don’t know, make out with Puck or something.” “Got it!” purrs Casey, as she clutches Puck tightly. Wolfgang walks over to the trunk, and pulls out a single piece of toilet paper, a water bottle containing a suspicious yellow liquid, a little red box of raisins, and a jar filled with hair. “This is repulsive,” he groans, as he squirts some of the liquid onto the toilet paper. “Casey? A little help here?” “Ew, I’m not touching that,” says Casey. “I have morals, values, and dignity.” A literal light bulb goes off above Wolfgang’s head. “A little birdie told me that these hairs were plucked straight from Chelsey’s scalp as she slept last night,” he says. “OHMYGOSH that’s soooo rare!” yells Casey, as she jumps over to the Vance-making station. “This is totally going to be the newest item for sale on chelseyisagoddess.spreadshirt.com! Sales will skyrocket!” As Casey continues to jump around, a hair drops out of the bottle and onto the Vance. Wolfgang puts a raisin on Vance and walks over to Arthur. “Okay, is this satisfactory?” he asks. “Hmm…” says Arthur, examining the creation. “The toilet paper is nice and soft, great for Vance’s smooth-to-the-touch exterior… Hair is not too short or too long, this raisin is perfectly plump, and I have to say that the liquid is distributed wonderfully. Wolfgang, you have passed!” “Okey-dokey! I’m done!” says Puck, bouncing back to Wolfgang. “Let’s get out of here, fam!” The three rush up the stairs to the next station. ---- Chelsey, Elle, and Donny are shown walking into the first room, where Layla is lying down on a large carpet with Charles in an armchair off to the side, reading a thick-looking novel. “Ugh, did it have to be you?” asks Layla. “Gross. You know, honey, even if you do win this thing, you won’t be nearly as rich as me.” “Now Layla, do not forget to be courteous to your opponents, even if you do dislike this girl quite a bit,” says Charles, waggling a finger. “Chelsey and company, I do apologize.” “Who’s that old dude?” asks Elle. “He looks like my grandpa. I bet he could get loose if he wanted to.” “Oh, you don’t even know,” says Layla, thinking back to Charles’s motorcycling days. “Now, here’s your challenge! You gotta give me a back massage. I want it for ten minutes, and I want it to be perfect. Loosen up my joints. And maybe if you have some extra time, you can go to my feet! I’ve got some bunions that really need to be loo--” “Oh hey, isn’t that convenient?” says Donny calmly. “After Revolution ended, I went to school to become a massage therapist. Vincent actually told me I should do it. He said something about me being super chill, and how I’d be really good at making other people’s bodies feel super chill.” Chelsey says in the confessional, “I mean, if I did get back together with Donny, I’d never have to feel all sore in the morning again… Would I even have to do yoga anymore?! Wait. Snap out of it, Chelsey. He is NOT your type.” Layla stretches out on the ground, turning onto her stomach, and Donny begins the massage. Instantly, Layla lets out some calm moans. “Wow, Donny, you massage like a pro! Color me impressed!” says Chelsey. “Oh my gosh…” says Layla, in an incredibly calm tone. “I want him to be MY boyfriend…” ---- “Ay, that’s me boy!” says Vincent, watching in the audience. “That sheila is going to wake up feeling like a new lassie!” “Wooooow, where was that skill back in the shoooow, maaaan?” asks Tasia. “Amazing, huh?” asks Mattie. “Reminds me of this game we play at camp. It’s called Dead Fish. Literally all you do is lie down on the grass and take a nap, and if you move you’re out. If we added masseuses to the mix, it’d go from wonderful to… well, heavenly.” “Ooh! Massage me, Mattie!” giggles Toad. “Don’t-a worry, buddy, I am quite th’ masseuse too,” says Gustavo. He shoves his fist into Toad’s back forcefully, causing Toad to yowl in pain. Antoine winces. “Oooooh. You just got served.” “...” says PJ. ---- Wolfgang and company are seen walking up the stairs to the next room. “Okay, that accordion-playing competition that Nic made us do was just plain awful,” he says. The three get to the top of the stairs and see that the next room is occupied by Trey. “...I spoke too soon,” says Wolfgang. “Hi…” says Trey. “I know you don’t want to see me. I don’t really want to see you either. However, if you want to have even a slight chance of getting past me, I have one simple question. How do I become a better person? Please. I’ll do anything.” “Well, first of all you have to apologize to Chelsey for annoying her so much, because Chelsey is physically incapable of being guilty in a fight, and then you have to go down to the river and absolve yourself of your sins with fresh water so Chelsey will forgive yo--” begins Casey. “C’mon, Case! My lips are gettin’ a bit chapped, so why don’t you take care of that so Wolfie can talk?” winks Puck. Casey immediately begins to make out with Puck. “No, it’s fine, you can take your time or whatever…” says Trey quietly. Wolfgang gulps. “Okay, Trey, look. I know we were at odds the entire time, and frankly, your personality is usually the type that I can’t stand. But I know what you’ve been through. I know what it’s like to basically feel like a pariah around everyone who you care about. Heck, I didn’t talk for like a year because everything I said just made me feel like I was digging a deep, deep hole.” “Yeah, that’s basically how I feel right now…” says Trey. “I just wish I had never signed up for this show, then my life would be so much easier…” “Listen, dude, you gotta leave those troubles behind,” says Wolfgang. “It’s tough. Seriously, I know. A year ago, or even when Tokyo started, I would never be able to guess that I’d be here right now, in the final two of an all-stars season with a decent amount of friends and even a girlfriend. But y’know what? It happened. You gotta keep an open mind, and realize that people are not always out to get you.” “But if you’re a massive jerk to them, then they will be…” says Trey. “Hey, nobody ever said you had to interact with any other Total Drama people ever again,” says Wolfgang. “You’re about to go to college, right?” “I mean, I guess… I’m not even sure if they’ll still accept me…” says Trey quietly. “College is a place to reinvent yourself, dude,” says Wolfgang. “Go into class on the first day with a mindset like ‘hey, I’m Trey, I’m awesome.’ If you really, truly believe you can be the person you want to be, you can. Nobody else is deciding that kind of stuff except you.” Puck is shown in the confessional, weeping. “W-w-wolfie…” he says, in between tears. “That was so poetic… I’m going to become the BEST PERSON I CAN! Just for YOU!” “Thank you, I guess…” says Trey. “Maybe that’ll actually work? I guess I might as well try, I mean, I have nothing to lose… Congratulations, I don’t hate you as much as I did…” Wolfgang gives Trey a high-five, and continues on with Casey and a still-sobbing Puck, who she is trying to console. ---- “Did Wolfgang just make Trey… sympathetic?!” shouts Kavren. “No floopin’ way!” “You know, I hated him this whole time, but come to think of it, he’s not nearly as bad as my sisters,” says Vivienne, shuddering. “I still hate him,” scoffs Elena. “He never deserved me in the first place.” Tolkien, who is sitting next to Ari semi-awkwardly, quips, “Maybe the first step to Trey’s self-discovery should be ditching those Bonjour Doggy droopy-drawers.” “Hey, I suppose it could be worse,” says Ari. “He could have every single card in the Pogeyman Z set, including holofoils and event-only cards… Though, to be fair, I…” “Yeah! You’re one to talk!” says Tolkien playfully, and the two share a laugh. ---- “Ugh, this last room is totally going to be Flora, isn’t it?” asks Chelsey, as she walks up the stairs to the final room with Elle and Donny. Sure enough, the three enter the room to see Flora sitting in a chair and smiling. “Gurl, you’re sooo psychic,” purrs Elle. “Hi!” says Flora. “Okay, Chelsey, I have a question for you.” “Well, no duh,” says Chelsey. “Of course you have a question. Why else would you be here? Don’t waste my time, gurl.” “Here’s my question,” says Flora, obviously hurt but trying to shrug it off. “Why did you care so much about beating me in the polls? Did you really not want to be friends with me just because I was more ‘popular’ than you? I just wanna know what kinds of stuff you like to do in life other than try to get more popular.” She says all this with a smile on her face, implying that none of it is meant to sound malicious in any way. Donny says in the confessional, “...Wow.” “I…” says Chelsey. “Um, can I have a thinking break for like five secs?!” “Yes,” smiles Flora. Chelsey rushes over to Elle and pulls her aside to the corner of the room. “Girl. What do I even say? Do I just make up some BS? Because to be honest, my entire life for the past six or so years has been based around trying to increase my own popularity as much as possible. I have nothing.” “Uhhhh,” says Elle. “I mean, you gotta be honest. Flora’s just another person. Why does it matter? Even if you lose, we can eat buttloads of ice cream and sob while watching Nebraska Shore together. It’ll be a bonding experience either way.” “Nah, you just gotta comfort her,” says Donny, popping in. “Or have an epiphany that drastically changes your entire worldview. Y’know, your choice.” Chelsey nods, and rushes back to Flora. “Okay, Flora. Look. In all honesty, I was just perplexed about WHY you became so popular. Like, you really didn’t do anything except walk around and be nice to people.” She pauses for a very long time. “...Wait.” “Yeah, that’s really all you gotta do,” says Flora. “You’re just kind of mean, Chelsey.” “Mean? MEAN?" exclaims Chelsey. "I’m not mean! Elena’s mean! Trey is mean! My grandma is mean! I’m not mean, I’m likable and charismatic!” “Sis, I love you and all, but you can be kinda mean sometimes,” says Elle. “Okay. That’s an awful look. There’s no way I’ve been mean this whole time, I thought I was just playing the game?! Am I going to lose at this point? Flora, I have to be nice to you! I swear!" says Chelsey, and she suddenly snaps. "Yeah, I just love your beaver shirt! It’s so cute and stylish!” “That’s a start,” shrugs Flora. “But I know how much it means to you to be popular, and I’m sorry that I beat you in the polls. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or anything.” “That’s fine, Flora. Whatever,” says Chelsey. “It wasn’t your fault. It was… the polls’ fault! Ugh, I bet they were rigged to teach me a ‘life lesson’ or whatever. But seriously, thanks for at least talking to me about it, and also insulting me so I can take some mind-cleansing yoga classes!” Flora giggles, “No problem, Chelsey. I didn’t want to make any enemies here, so I consider you a friend.” “Okay, I don’t really, but that’s…” begins Chelsey. “Whatever floats your boat, Flora.” As the three run to the top of the tower, Donny says, “Wow, she’s chill.” “Ohhh Donny, you wouldn’t want a chill girl! You gotta have a fiery one like me, for the personality contrast and all that jazz! Silly boy,” says Chelsey. ---- “Come on!” yells Wolfgang, as he runs up the stairs to the very top of the tower. “Almost… there! Hurry up, Puck!” “I’m comin’,” says Puck, choking back tears. “You inspire me so much, Wolfie!” “He’ll inspire you even more if you help us WIN!” says Casey, grinning widely. The three see the top of the tower and sprint up the remaining few stairs, entering through the doorway… …to see Chelsey and her helpers get there at the exact same time. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” yells an enraged Chris, standing right there with the million-dollar case. Before any of them can say anything else, he presses a button on his remote, and the tower promptly explodes, sending him - and everyone else in it - falling to the ground. “Welp, looks like we’re back to square one!” says Roz sheepishly, once everyone collects themselves and crawls out of the rubble. Before she can say anything else, yet another bus arrives on the scene and honks its horn loudly. “Ugh, what NOW?!” sighs Roz. “This better be important!” The bus doors open, dropping off two very familiar-looking elderly men. “Wow, Dave, I can’t believe I just found ya on the side of the road! What a nice encounter, huh?” asks Big Johnson. “Jeffrey, I regret to tell you that you did not find me on the side of the road. You crashed into the side of the boat I was using for a whaling expedition. Is your memory that faulty already? You’re only 63,” explains Chappy. “Oooh, okay, this is definitely worth it,” squeals Roz, running over to Chappy and hugging him. “You’re just in time for the super dramatic voting ceremony! Wait, who’s that guy?” “Howdy! The name’s Big Johnson, I’m a friend of Chappy’s from college. Hyuk hyuk hyuk!” explains the mustached fisherman. “Big Johnson!” says Chelsey. “Thanks for inadvertently bringing me to the final two! I owe you one big-time, buddy. You’ll get like 50 bucks if I win!” “Roz, what is this about a voting ceremony?” asks Wolfgang. “Oooh! Yeah! Okay, you guys, since Chris’s contraption failed -- shocker, I know -- the power once again shifts to the jury! They’ll be voting for a winner!” says Roz. “Wait,” says Wolfgang. “So that entire tower climb was for naught?!” “Oh god, my jeans got so dirty, that was NOT worth it,” grumbles Chelsey. “Guys! Guys! Calm down,” says Roz. “One of you is about to be a million bucks richer! Okay, so before the nine losers vote for a winner, I’ll give you one last chance each to make a statement about why you should win. Kapeesh?” “Chelsey, go first. Y’know, alphabetical order, it’s only fair,” smiles Wolfgang. “Okay!” says Chelsey, clearing her throat. “Soooo, I came into this game wanting to remedy my number one mistake from TDRev - not being in the spotlight nearly enough. Obviously, I succeeded on that front, considering the huge part I had in voting out a ton of you guys over there, and my improved amount of screentime helped out too! You know, I feel like I created some wonderful bonds with some of you. Wolfgang, obviously, and… yeah, you guys are all winners in my book, even if some of you may be in the negatives on the popularity chart. And, uh, as for those of you I didn’t bond with… I’m sorry, okay? Flora, you said I was mean, and that’s stuck with me for the past, well, five minutes. I do NOT want to be mean. All my popularity pursuits are truly benevolent. I mean, to people like Kavren, I guess it’s fine to be mean, but whatever. I’m just trying to help you guys out. So basically vote for me since this is finally the time when my popularity will help me out instead of hinder me? You’ll have my respect. Swearsies.” “Thanks, Chelsey!” says Roz, as the audience members chatter. “And you, Wolfgang?” “Well,” begins Wolfgang. “I’m not sure even why I was on this season in the first place. Y’know, third voted out of Tokyo, didn’t do anything except kick Puck in the gonads a few times, but I guess they saw enough potential in me to bring me back or something. And honestly, I feel pretty damn decent about what I accomplished here. People may blabber on about personal growth, well, I’ve been able to find peace within my inner self, and honestly, it’s probably the most rewarding feeling I’ve had in life so far. Helga, I think your existence was really my awakening in this game. It caused me to be like ‘hey, this is a million bucks on the line, you gotta actually buckle down and DO stuff.’ And… I tried to connect with people, and actually make an effort to talk to them instead of snarling in their faces, and people like Flora and even…” he winces, “Puck, I just really feel like I’ve made friends. Having friends isn’t exactly a feeling I’ve known too well in the past, but it’s really nice and warm and fuzzy, all words that I do not like but they’re apt right here. And you guys honestly rock, and I really couldn’t have gotten to the finals without you. So whether you guys decide to crown me the superstar or the ultimate loser, I can probably deal with it. Thanks.” “Alright,” says Roz. “There ya have it! Now losers, make your way to the port-a-confessional, it’s VOTING time!” Puck begins to sprint to the confessional, and Roz says, “Not so fast, baby boy. You’re pre-jury!” Puck then runs over to Wolfgang and gives him a crumpled-up piece of paper that says “WoLFiE :)” with a crudely drawn portrait of Wolfgang’s face. “This is my vote in spirit, dawg!” he says, and Wolfgang almost smiles. Estrella is the first one shown voting in the confessional. “Meh. Don’t really know either of them. Don’t really care about either of them.” She pulls out her phone. “Time to use random.gov!” Veronica is next, and she says, “Well, being on the lame old Citrus Fruits really caused me to not get to know either of these two at all. Man, why couldn’t Flora be in this final two? Or… well, me? I’m voting for Chelsey, though. I like her style. She beats Amanda ANY day.” Gary says in the confessional, while writing down a vote, “I KNEW the winner’s edit was never wrong!” Layla says in the confessional, “God, I hate Chelsey so much, but her boy toy gave me such a heavenly back massage that I almost feel the urge to vote for her. Almost. Wait, maybe that’s not right… Urgh. What would Charles do?” Nic says in the confessional, “Mi amigo, you are a strong and fiery individual. I will never forget the deep bonding moment we had in that cave. But Chelsey, your Latina blood causes my eyes to water up with the passion of the Gulf of Mexico. Voting for a gorgeous woman like you would be the ultimate declaration of love! But aw man, Wolfie’s my pal…” Julia says in the confessional, “Bleh. Which of them would be able to donate the most amount of money to me so I could bribe Zane to rejoin 1E?” Arthur says in the confessional, surrounded by Vances he has made out of the voting paper, “My loooose peanuts sometimes act as an oracle. They will guide me to the correct decision. Peanuts? Who shall I vote for today?!” Trey says in the confessional, after staring at the paper for an extended period of time, “Thanks for the advice… I may not like you as a person all that much, but I really appreciate it…” Flora says in the confessional, while holding up a piece of paper with Wolfgang’s name written on it, “BFFs forever!” Roz is shown back at the stadium, and it’s now dusk. The lights are dimmed, and she, Chris, and Chef Hatchet are wearing dress clothing as Chappy, Big Johnson, Smoothie Guy, and all the former contestants are surrounding them in the bleachers and Wolfgang and Chelsey are up front. “Well, folks, the votes have been cast, and--” begins Chris. “Hey! Lemme do it, okay? You already risked their lives enough today, can’t a girl like me get a little of hostin’ fun? It’s the last time, I promise,” pleads Roz. “Fine,” grumbles Chris. “But only this once.” “YAY!” says Roz, jumping into the air. “Okay! So, nine votes have been cast, and these are some preeeetty interesting votes indeed. Want me to read ‘em one-by-one, or just get to it?” “Just get to it!” yells Northworth angrily from the audience. “Wow, or you could be that way,” says Roz. “Chelsey, Wolfgang. You two have had a pretty long journey, huh? It feels like it’s been like four years. Crazy how time works. Now, as much as I’m gonna miss hanging out with both of you dudes, only one of you dudes can get the two mil. Sound good?” “Oh heck yes, girl. I’m ready,” says Chelsey. “Seconded,” says Wolfgang. “Let’s do this.” “The winner of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown is…” says Roz, opening up a large envelope. “WOLFGANG!” yells Roz, as the stadium erupts into an applause. “Wh-WHAT?!” says Wolfgang exuberantly, as he snatches the million-dollar case from Chef’s hands. “Holy cow! This is unreal!” Before he can run into the audience, Chelsey stops him. “Honestly, Wolfie? Congrats,” she says. “I may be mean, or whatever Flora wants to call me next, but I am NOT a sore loser. You did it. I just knew you had what it takes to be popular!” She squeals, and hugs Wolfgang. After Chelsey’s hug, Wolfgang walks up to Helga. “Hey,” she says. “You did good, dude.” “Is that it?” asks Wolfgang, still overwhelmed by everything. “WAIT! Can we do that thing again? You know, the thing we talked about in the car?” “Um, is that even a question?” says Helga dryly. She pulls Wolfgang in and kisses him on the lips briefly, and he blushes. “Thanks for everything, honestly,” says Wolfgang. “That chat we had on the beach is something I doubt I’ll ever forge--” “WOLFIEEEEEEE!” yells a familiar voice. Puck comes sprinting towards him and jumps into his arms bridal-style. “Man! That was the coolest, chillest thing I’ve ever witnessed! You redefine cool, buddy! You’re… absolute zero!” “Puck, I hate to say this, but without your heavily disturbing obsession with me, I probably wouldn’t have won this thing, so… thanks, I guess?” he says. “I’m going to put you down now though, because you’re hefty.” “Bro, we gotta go on that Burrito King double date once you get settled! Casey and I already know exactly what we want to order,” says Puck. “Wait, speaking of which, where is Casey?” Casey is shown comforting Chelsey, who looks like she definitely doesn’t need to be comforted, with Elle and an assortment of others. “Don’t worry Chelsey, I’ll let you have 75% off on every fifth purchase from my Spreadshirt,” says Casey. “And I still love you! I promise! Like, a lot!” “Honestly, it’s totally fine,” scoffs Chelsey. “I came on this show to increase my popularity, and I sure did do that, for better or for worse. I’m in a good place now.” “You’re gonna be in a BETTER place when we go clubbing, gurl,” says Elle. “Snooki will be sooo proud!” “I’m sure she will be,” says Donny, once again popping into the conversation. “Oh my god I just need to--” says Chelsey. She walks over and flings herself into Donny’s arms, kissing him unexpectedly as he gasps for air. “So…” he says. “We’re official now, huh?” Chelsey nods, and strokes his hair. Roz is shown, surrounded by all the other contestants. “Aww, this is just sad. I’m gonna miss you dudes so much! Promise to keep in touch, mkay?” “Ah yes, Roz, I will never forget your loud nature, love of quasi-words like ‘guysies’ and ‘Tolky,’ and copious boyfriends,” says Arthur. “You’ll always live on in my morbidly obeeeese heart.” “Yeah, whatever. I can’t wait to go to college away from you,” says Julia. “You’re going to miss me deeply, and you just know that!” says Arthur, and Julia rolls her eyes. “Ooooh, wait, I almost forgot something!” says Roz, and she pulls out a much smaller suitcase and walks over to Flora. “Flora! This is for you. It’s from the producers. Apparently the polls actually did have a purpose, and this $100,000 is for you for having the highest average out of the contestants!” “Wow! I can’t believe it!” says Flora elatedly. “This is amazing! Thanks, Roz!” She walks over to Chelsey. “Hey Chelsey?” “Wha?!” says Chelsey, turning around to see Flora. “This is for you,” says Flora. “I’m splitting this prize with you. It’s for the popularity poll, and I know how much that meant to you! You may not ever wanna talk to me again, and that’s okay, but I hope you buy whatever you want with this $50,000.” “OH MY GOSH,” shouts Chelsey, hugging her before quickly getting off of her. “I mean… okay. Yeah. Thanks, Flora.” Flora beams at her. Layla is talking to Roz and the others when Charles walks up to her, with Chappy and Big Johnson on either side, chatting excitedly. “Mistress Layla?” asks Charles. “These two fine men here and I have hit it off quite well. Do you think we’d have room for two more in our next tea party?” “Oh, Charles, I’d loooove that,” says Layla. “I’m honestly not even being sarcastic. Bring ‘em over!” Finally, Roz is shown in front of the camera with Wolfgang, who’s holding his money-filled case. “Well, it was an amazing season here, and I could not have been happier to host it!” says Roz. “And man, I couldn’t have been happier to win this freaking thing,” says Wolfgang, grinning. “I just gotta say thanks to y’all who watched, and supported me, and prevented me from getting arrested, you know, that sorta thing. Really makes a girl like me feel loved. But all in all, we couldn’t have had any better of a season than we had, and I hate to say that it’s over, but what’s that phrase about all good things coming to an end or somethin’? Yeah, let's just say that. I hope all of you guys live fulfilling, interesting lives! Every last one of ya! Thanks for tuning in, and this has been…” The entire crowd joins in to say “TOTAL! DRAMA! SUPERSTAR SHOWDOWN!”, as a streak of rainbow light flashes across the sky. The End